F-Zero (SNES)

F-Zero is one of those Nintendo franchises that never got the attention it deserved.  Sure, there were games on Super Nintendo, Nintendo 64, Gamecube, and Gameboy Advance, but it never got as big as Zelda, Metroid, or even Kirby.  From Super Smash Bros, everyone knows who Captain Falcon is, but for a major Nintendo franchise character, his games are relatively obscure.

I had heard of F-Zero, but I had never played it until I picked up the original at a flea market.  I had never even heard of F-Zero X, and I had only seen F-Zero GX in stores a couple times.  Maybe I was just looking in all the wrong places at all the wrong times, but F-Zero doesn't get a lot of hype or attention, it seems.  Considering what an outstanding game F-Zero is, I don't understand why.

F-Zero for Super Nintendo is an outstanding little racing game and very well developed given that it was a launch title.  Granted, there are still a few things that I would have fixed, but it's a good game.  The gameplay isn't deep, and there's no real story you have to learn before it makes sense; there are 4 racers with different stats and three different "leagues" from which to choose.  Pick a car, pick a league, and win races.  The gameplay is simple, straightforward, and most of all, fun.

I do have a few complaints, though.  First, I think Nintendo probably could have fit a couple more cars on the cartridge.  4 seems a bit...limited.  Also, it would be nice to have a "random race" type of feature to race one race on a track of your choosing instead of a circuit on pre-determined tracks.  My biggest complaint, though, is no multi-player.  I don't even care about having other computer in there; I would have LOVED it if F-Zero had an option to let me race one of my friends, though I can understand how that might have been asking a bit much of a launch title for the 16-bit Super Nintendo.

Presentation: 4 - Yeah, F-Zero falls really short here.  There's no start up sequence; it just goes straight to the title screen where my options are "Grand Prix," "Practice," and "Records."  The game's great, but it builds no suspense.

Graphics: 8.5 - For a launch title on a 16-bit system, I'm actually pretty impressed with the graphics.  They're nice and crisp.  They're not as good as later Super Nintendo titles, but as I said; it was a launch title.  It gets my stamp of approval.

Sound: 7 - The title screen music is just awful.  It's so bland and unexciting.  However...the in-game music is rocking.  I mean, for a 1991 release, it's some hardcore stuff.  If there were ever music fitting of an extreme race at 300 MPH, it's on F-Zero.

Gameplay: 7 - There's no multiplayer; that's a major let down.  The single player is LOTS of fun, but it's limited; just 3 circuits.  This game is great, but it could have been so much better with gameplay a bit freer.

Lasting Appeal: 8 - There's a reason F-Zero's Captain Falcon is a Nintendo icon; his game is great despite not getting the attention it deserves.  I find myself plugging F-Zero in for just 10 minutes when I get bored and have the urge to race at speeds 2 or 3 times the capabilities of my car.  lmao

Overall Score - 7

Army Men: Sarge's Heroes 2 (N64)

Army Men: Sarge’s Heroes 2 is one of the games I remember most fondly on my Nintendo 64. As I said with Army Men: Sarge’s Heroes, there were several things that could stand to be fixed. The movement was too fast and jerky, the manual aiming was too slow, the graphics made it difficult to see what was what at times, and the sounds got annoying after a while.


Well, 3DO stepped up to the plate and did a good job of fixing these problems to make a truly outstanding sequel. The movement was still a bit faster than I would like, but only a hair; not even worth mentioning, honestly. The manual aiming was adjusted to an almost perfect speed, making sniping and precision M-16 firing MUCH easier. The graphics are good enough to tell what’s what with minimal confusion; for the Nintendo 64’s capabilities, they’re not bad.

I can’t explain what it is that makes the gameplay on Sarge’s Heroes 2 so much better than on Sarge’s Heroes, but for some reason, Sarge’s Heroes 2 has AWLAYS been more fun to me and holds MUCH more replay value with me. Sarge’s Heroes 2 was the last great Army Men game. After Heroes 2, we got games like Sarge’s War and Green Rogue; games that were okay (I guess), but that honestly should either have spent a lot more time in development or just not been released in the first place. Sarge’s Heroes 2 marked the end of an age; the age of living out our boyhood (keep in mind that I write this from a male perspective) fantasies of having massive battles between hoards of plastic soldiers. It honestly depresses me to play the newer Army Men games because I think of how great the franchise was and how great a company 3DO was, and I find myself asking “What happened?”
Maybe that’s why Sarge’s Heroes 2 holds such value with me; it was the last great struggle against the Tan Army. It represents the culmination of what made being a gamer great when I was 10 and what made 3DO a game company that won’t be forgotten for decades to come.


Presentation: 9 – At this point, Army Men had always been a popular series, and Sarge’s Heroes was a popular game that left players begging for more; Sarge’s Heroes 2 didn’t need any advertisement with all of the hype it had.

Graphics: 6 – The graphics are still below what we would expect for Nintendo 64 by the turn of the century, but they’re not awful; just not good.

Sound: 7.5 – The sound is less annoying than in Sarge’s Heroes, but Sgt. Hawk still does more than his share of grunting and groaning.

Gameplay: 8 – There’s something about this game that keeps one playing. The multiplayer still sucks, but the single player is nothing less than addicting.

Lasting Appeal: 9 – Even when I stopped playing games for a few years, I had one strong, vivid memory of my Nintendo 64; Sarge’s Heroes 2. So many people remember so few things about gaming as a child, but there’s always one memory; Sarge’s Heroes 2.

Overall Score: 8.2

Army Men: Sarge's Heroes (N64)

When one mentions "Army Men," the game of which most think first is Sarge's Heroes 2; most of us were children when this N64 classic hit shelves, but for there to be a sequel, there had to have been an original, right? Why don't we remember Sarge's Heroes until we've been thinking about it for a while? For a lot, it's probably the same reason that I don't remember it; I try not to. Sarge's Heroes isn't a bad game, but it's just depressing when placed next to its outstanding sequel.

he first and worst (hey, that rhymed) part of this game is the controls. The movement seems fast and jerky if you don't have the joystick tiled just far enough. You get used to it by the end of the first level, but it's nothing less than a pain. The manual aiming is just as bad but the opposite problem; it's WAY too slow. When you hold R to aim manually, the crosshairs drag across the screen. My grandmother is 90, and she could probably aim an M-16 faster than that. Thank God there's an auto aim. That's one redeeming quality about it; the auto aim is actually quite good. If you point in the general direction of an enemy (which can sometimes be a feat in and of itself with the fast, jerky movement) and start shooting, you'll hit him. Now, let me clarify here; the movement isn't like a plague, and the manual aiming isn't like trying to race a Pinto against Nissan Skyline. The movement is just faster than I'd like, and the manual aiming isn't bad if the Tan soldiers don't know you're there and aren't sending a barrage of hot plastic at you.

The second big drawback is the graphics. Now, I, of all people, place minimal importance on graphics, and the Nintendo 64 was one of the first plunges that gaming took into the 3rd dimension, so there were some technical limitations, but the graphics on Sarge's Heroes are just...rough. It's not so bad that it's hard to tell what's a Tan soldier and what's a tree, but it's just generally confusing sometimes. It's not terrible, 3D0 just could have done a bit better.

The last part is just a minor pet peeve of mine and something that all Army Men games seem to have; crappy dialog and bad puns. About halfway through the first level, for example, when you save Colonel Grimm, Sergeant Hawk says something like "Colonel, you're wounded," and Grimm says "It's just a 'plastic' wound." (yes, they actually put "plastic" in quotation marks in the game; even they knew it was lame) Yeah, just little things like that. One last closing thing; why do all of the guys have green skin, hair, and clothes, but the girls have white skin with green hair and clothes? O.o

Presentation: 8 - Army Men has been a big name since the early 90's, taking what most all little boys love and personifying it into characters and a storyline across a series of games. To have a hero who's name is more than just "Sarge" but "Sergeant Hawk" with more than a non-descript face was a great change to see; definitely a selling point.

Graphics: 5 - The graphics aren't bad really, by the end of 1999, we had come to expect more from the Nintendo 64. Granted, 3D was still unperfected, but 3D0 could have done better with the graphics.

Sound: 7 - The music is decent, and while Sergent Hawk's repetitive grunts and groans from injuries get annoying, there's something satisfying about the "p-shoo, p-shoo" from his M-16....

Gameplay: 7 - The controls are what kept this from an 8 or a 9. The gameplay would be amazing if you could adjust the joystick sensitivity, but since you can't, I give it a 7. The game's fun overall.

Lasting Appeal: 6 - Like I said in the beginning, few people if any think of Sarge's Heroes before they think of a sequel. It's a good game, but if you have Sarge's Heroes 2, don't bother playing this more than once.

Overall Score: 6.5

War of the Monsters (PS2)

I first played War of the Monsters not long after its release; probably 2004; with my friend Sam. That became our routine; I'd spend a weekend at his house, and the entire time, we would do nothing but drink soda, listen to Linkin Park, and play War of the Monsters. When I finally caught up with humanity and got a PS2, I searched tirelessly through every GameStop from Boone (far west North Carolina) to Washington (far east North Carolina) to find this game because of the wonderful memories I had of it. When I finally found it, I couldn't wait to play it. I saw the two locked characters that I needed to earn battle tokens in the single player to unlock, and I was like "Oh, no biggie!" And so I started the single player..... ....and quickly realized why Sam and I never played it; it's just awful. The controls in general are just awkward, but the multiplayer is amazing (I'll elaborate more later), so you get used to it and don't notice after a few minutes. The single player is alright on the first few stages, but once you get to bosses, you're like "Wow...." The first boss, for example, throws bombs at you; you need to pick them up, jump (while dodging more bombs) and hit him DIRECTLY about ten times before he'll fight you hand to hand. If you land the bombs on his platform RIGHT behind him, the explosion does nothing to him. I realize that I'm being way too nitpicky; the single player isn't terrible, I just hate it. I could get over the substandard controls with I'm playing with friends, but when it's just I, they bug me. The hidden characters are each 200,000 battle tokens, and you get like maybe 5,000 per stage. The only thing that is actually complaint-worthy about the single player aside from the controls is that the "adventure" mode is the same for every character. Now, the multiplayer...It lacks 4 player support, but this game is out-freaking-standing with its multiplayer. I don't know what it is that makes the multiplayer so amazing, but it's SO easy to play for hours if you have a friend over. You can pick up just about anything to throw at your opponents. It's all the same, but boy, is it fun.

Presentation: 6 - There isn't a whole lot that screams "EPIC" about this game, but there's nothing that really screams "LAME" either.

Graphics: 7.5 - The graphics aren't bad. They aren't astounding, but for 2003, the're not terrible.

Sound: 7 - Blah. Not blech, but just blah. The sound isn't anything remarkable, but it's not bad.

Gameplay: 8 - Kind of like with The Conduit, this is an average; I'd give the multiplayer a 9 and the single player a 7.

Lasting Appeal: 8 - As with many things, the good parts about this game will stick out in your memory while the bad parts vanish into obscurity.

Overall Score: 8